Your New Roommate Is Small, Loud, and Doesn’t Pay Rent — Welcome to Life With a Newborn

Congratulations! You’ve just brought home the tiniest, cutest boss you’ll ever have—who also happens to be the least emotionally stable member of your household.

Your newborn may be small, but make no mistake: this little creature just flipped your entire world upside down with nothing more than a cry and a full diaper. Welcome to the fourth trimester, a.k.a. baby bootcamp, where sleep is mythical, laundry is endless, and your new superpower is catching vomit mid-air.

Let’s break it down:

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Sleep? That’s Cute.

You know how adults sleep for 7–8 hours a night? Yeah, forget that.

Newborns sleep in short bursts—14–17 hours a day, but in episodes that last about 45 minutes (just enough time for you to fall asleep before they wake again). Day? Night? They don't care. Your baby thinks 2 a.m. is a great time for deep conversation.

Pro tips:

Nap when baby naps (aka the only parenting advice that’s both annoying and correct).

Blackout curtains and white noise are your new best friends.

Stop checking the baby monitor every 4 seconds. Yes, they’re still breathing.

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Feeding: Your Baby's Favourite Hobby

Whether you're breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, or both, your newborn is basically a tiny, hungry gremlin that wants to eat every 2–3 hours, including when you’d rather be asleep, showering, or having a coherent thought.

Things to expect:

Cluster feeding: when baby eats non-stop like they’re training for a buffet competition.

Leaks: from places you didn’t know could leak.

Judgment: from relatives who fed their kids condensed milk and "they turned out fine."

What you need:

• Snacks for you.

• Burp cloths everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

• A solid sense of humour.

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Adjusting to Life Outside the Womb (A Harsh Transition)

Imagine living in a warm, dark spa for 9 months and suddenly being thrust into a loud, bright, chaotic world. Wouldn’t you scream too?

Babies crave closeness. They love being held, rocked, and swaddled—basically, anything that feels like the good ol’ uterus days.

Soothing techniques that actually work (sometimes):

• Swaddling like a burrito.

• Bouncing like you’re in a 90s boy band.

• Shushing like you’re trying to quiet a loud friend at a wedding.

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How to Prepare (AKA: How to Pretend You’re Ready)

Set up a sleep-safe baby zone: Crib or bassinet, no pillows or stuffed giraffes, even if they match the aesthetic.

Stock diapers: Not as many clothes. Trust us, baby will live in 3 onesies on rotation and a burp cloth.

Learn the basics: Bathing, diapering, swaddling, and googling “is green poop normal?”

Line up reinforcements: Food delivery, friends who don’t mind seeing you in pyjamas, and people who can hold the baby while you shower.

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Final Thoughts From the Land of No Sleep

Here’s the truth: nobody knows exactly what they’re doing. Not the perfectly filtered mom on Instagram. Not the aunt who raised eight kids. Not even your pediatrician at 3 a.m. with a screaming baby in their arms.

You will cry. You will laugh at weird moments. You will accidentally call your partner “mummy” or “papa.” And somehow, in the middle of the madness, you’ll fall in love like never before.

So hang in there, parents. The baby doesn’t need perfect.

They just need you—and a fresh diaper.