"Why Does My Child Prefer the Nanny?"

Understanding Clinginess, Attachment, and Working-Mum Guilt

It's a scene that stings: You come home after a long day, arms open… and your toddler hides behind the nanny’s legs. Or worse — cries when you pick them up instead.

If this has ever happened to you, you're not alone.

Let’s gently unpack why children sometimes cling to their caretakers more than their own parents — and why it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum (or dad). In fact, it means you’re doing something right.

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Attachment Is About Consistency — Not Just Biology

According to attachment theory, babies and young children form strong emotional bonds with the people who:

• Comfort them when they cry

• Meet their daily needs

• Provide predictable routines

• Engage with warmth and responsiveness

It’s no surprise then, that a child who spends 8–10 hours a day with a nanny might become deeply attached.

“Children don’t love one person less because they love someone else. Their attachment system expands — it doesn't replace,”– Dr. Deborah MacNamara, Clinical Counsellor and author of ‘Rest, Play, Grow’

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Real Talk: Many Malaysian Parents Work Long Hours

In households across Kota Kinabalu, Kuala Lumpur and beyond, parents often rely on full-time helpers, nannies, or daycare staff. Some children spend more waking hours with their caregiver than with mum and dad — especially in those formative first three years.

And when the nanny is the one:

• Feeding them lunch

• Putting them down for naps

• Holding them during tantrums

…naturally, the child bonds. It’s a secure attachment, not a betrayal.

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Real Stories, Real Feelings

“I felt so guilty. My son called our helper ‘Mama’ once. It broke me. But when I took a step back, I realised she’d helped raise him. She loves him too. I’m still his mother — and that love is deeper than a moment.”

– Amira, working mum of two in Penampang

“My daughter used to run to her Kakak every time she scraped her knee. I thought I’d failed. But her teacher reminded me — we were lucky to have someone she trusted. Now I let go of the guilt and just try to be present when I’m home.”

– Jesslyn, KKIA nurse and mum of a 4-year-old

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What Experts Say

Child psychologist Dr. Alvin Ng Lai Oon of Sunway University shares:

“Secure attachment can happen with more than one caregiver. The goal is to ensure the child feels safe, soothed, seen, and supported — whether that’s from mum, dad, or nanny.”

And according to Paediatrician Dr. Halina from Klinik Kesihatan Kota Kinabalu:

“It’s normal for toddlers to express preference for a caregiver they spend more time with. This doesn't mean they’ve replaced the parent. Instead of guilt, focus on quality time and open routines when you're home.”

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Signs Your Child Has a Healthy Bond — With You, Too

Even if they cling to the nanny sometimes, your child may:

• Seek you for comfort when sick or sleepy

• Light up when you come home

• Show distress when you're away for long

• Imitate your phrases or mannerism

• Ask for you at bedtime

  
  

These are all signs that your bond is still there — growing quietly beneath the chaos of daily schedules.

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What You Can Do To Reconnect

1. Create Rituals

Try 10–15 minutes of “just us” time daily:

Reading a book, drawing together, silly songs, evening walks.

This regular routine rebuilds connection slowly and deeply.

2. Let the Nanny Be Part of Your Team

Instead of seeing her as competition, see her as a trusted co-caretaker.

Respect, support and align with each other — for your child’s security.

3. Accept the Emotions (Yours and Theirs)

It’s okay to feel jealous, guilty, or sad. You’re human.

But your child’s bond with their nanny doesn’t reduce your worth — it shows they feel loved and safe when you’re not there. And that’s a parenting win.

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Final Thought

Children are capable of loving more than one person deeply.

They cling to the nanny because she’s there. They cry when you leave because they know you'll come back. They play with their kakak and cuddle you — both can be true.

So if your child prefers their nanny at times, let it be a comfort — not a competition. Because at the end of the day, you are irreplaceable.

They will always know who Mama is.