When Love Turns Harmful: Parenting with Violence in Malaysia (and Why It Has to Stop)

Parenting is supposed to mean protection. But too often in Malaysia — and especially here in Sabah — “discipline” crosses the line into violence. And the truth is brutal: our kids are paying the price.

Let’s unpack what’s happening, why it persists, and what hope looks like when we start parenting through love instead of fear.

The Numbers We Can’t Keep Ignoring

Between 2020 and 2022, the Social Welfare Department recorded nearly 19,000 cases of child abuse and neglect across Malaysia. That’s not a few bad apples — that’s thousands of children hurt in their own homes.

In 2022 alone, 6,770 children were identified as needing protection. In 2023, the number jumped again to 8,536 children — a 26% increase in a single year. And if you think that’s alarming, remember: experts believe many more cases go unreported.

Here in Sabah, the picture is just as grim. We recorded 705 children needing intervention in 2022 — the third highest in the country after Selangor and Kuala Lumpur. By mid-2023, over 300 new cases had already emerged. That’s not statistics on paper — that’s real classrooms full of children living with fear, trauma, and violence.

And who’s behind it? Not shadowy strangers, but parents themselves. In 2023, biological mothers were identified as perpetrators in more than 2,200 cases, while fathers and other close family members made up more than half of all reports. The enemy, heartbreakingly, is often inside the home.

“It’s Just Discipline” — Or Is It?

This is where Malaysia’s cultural comfort with the rotan becomes dangerous. Surveys reveal that 6 out of 10 parents believe physical punishment is necessary, and over half admit to using it.

The law still gives cover. Under Section 89 of the Penal Code, anything done “in good faith for the benefit of a child under 12” by a guardian isn’t considered an offence — which means “reasonable” corporal punishment at home is legal. In other words: hitting your child is still seen as a parent’s right.

But here’s the evidence: children who are hit don’t become “tougher” or “more respectful.” They become fearful. Studies show 7.5% of Malaysian teens reported being physically abused at home in just the past year, with the highest rates among 13-year-olds. Girls reported slightly higher abuse than boys, showing that no one is immune.

And fear-based discipline doesn’t just bruise skin. It bruises confidence. It scars mental health. It teaches children that love and violence go hand in hand — and that lesson lasts a lifetime.

What the Law Says (and What It Doesn’t)

Malaysia isn’t without protections. The Child Act 2001 makes it a crime for parents to abuse or neglect their children, with penalties of up to 20 years in prison and fines of RM50,000. The Domestic Violence Act adds further protections inside the family home.

We also now have a Children’s Commissioner under SUHAKAM (our Human Rights Commission) — an independent watchdog meant to hold government and agencies accountable. This is progress.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: as long as corporal punishment remains legal in the home, there’s a giant loophole. Abuse hides under the label of “discipline,” and the line between “a tap on the hand” and a violent beating is left dangerously blurry.

The Human Cost

Behind every statistic is a child.

A child neglected because their parents are overwhelmed.A child hit because “that’s how my parents did it.”A child silenced by fear instead of nurtured by love.

Neglect is actually the leading cause of reported endangerment in Malaysia, followed by sexual abuse. In many of these cases, parents lock kids at home, fail to feed them properly, or simply disappear for hours, leaving children to fend for themselves. Some cases have ended in tragedy.

And then there’s the cycle: children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to repeat the same patterns as adults. What we call “discipline” today becomes tomorrow’s generational trauma.

Hope: Parenting Without Harm

The good news? Change is happening — in courts, in classrooms, and in communities.

1. Reporting and Protection

The Talian Kasih 15999 hotline runs 24/7. Anyone can call or WhatsApp to report a child in danger. Social workers and police can step in immediately, placing kids in safe care if necessary.

Sabah also has community advocacy programmes training teachers and parents to spot abuse early. The goal: don’t wait for a headline tragedy — intervene before it escalates.

2. Naungan Kasih: Protection Through Love

And here’s where hope gets real. Naungan Kasih, a parenting programme developed by UNICEF Malaysia and LPPKN, is showing parents there’s another way.

It’s not finger-wagging or lectures. It’s practical tools:

• How to manage stress when your child pushes every button you have.

• How to set rules without shouting.

• How to discipline without hitting.

• How to connect with your child so that respect comes from love, not fear.

Parents can even sign up for a WhatsApp chatbot that delivers daily parenting tips straight to their phones. Tiny nudges, big changes.

Early results are promising. Families who go through Naungan Kasih report less yelling, less hitting, and more harmony at home. It’s not magic — it’s giving parents alternatives they never had.

3. NGOs and Community

Groups like Protect and Save The Children, SUKA Society, and local NGOs in Sabah are stepping in with awareness campaigns, school safety programs, and even foster care networks. They work alongside government agencies but also keep pushing society to face what we’d rather not: that violence in parenting is still normalized, and it shouldn’t be.

Why It Matters

Children aren’t property. They’re not punching bags for stress or little soldiers to be beaten into obedience. They’re human beings — messy, loud, wonderful human beings — who deserve safety and dignity.

When we hit, shout, or shame under the banner of “discipline,” we don’t teach strength. We teach fear. And fear is a terrible teacher.

Breaking the cycle of violent parenting isn’t about demonizing parents. Most don’t want to hurt their kids. Many are stressed, unsupported, and repeating what they themselves endured. What they need is help — and that help looks like community support, programmes like Naungan Kasih, and a culture that values love over violence.

The Takeaway

If you’re a parent reading this, remember: love isn’t supposed to hurt. Discipline doesn’t have to leave bruises — physical or emotional. If you find yourself struggling, reach out: to family, to friends, to helplines, to parenting programmes.

And as a society, let’s stop brushing off violence as “normal Asian parenting.” Let’s demand better laws, support awareness campaigns, and push for a culture of parenting rooted in empathy, not fear.

Because our kids deserve more than survival. They deserve to grow up safe, loved, and unafraid.

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Sources:

• Stephanie Lee, “Sabah ranks third in number of child abuse cases in M’sia,” The Star, Mar 11, 2023

• Ricardo Unto, “Child abuse cases: Sabah among the top three states,” Daily Express, Sept 26, 2023

• Martin Carvalho, “21% increase in child sexual assault incidents in 2023, says Stats Dept,” The Star, Nov 1, 2024

• Dr. Rulia Akhtar, “Combating child abuse for a safer tomorrow,” Malaysia Gazette, Jan 25, 2024

• Wiki Impact, “When Parents Become the Enemy: The Disturbing Rise of Child Neglect Cases,” Feb 27, 2025

• Shubash Shander Ganapathy et al., NHMS 2016 – Disciplinary Methods and Physical Punishment (Glob Pediatr Health, 2022)

• Nur Faraeein Z. Abidin et al., NHMS 2022 – Prevalence of Physical Abuse among Adolescents (Ministry of Health Malaysia, 2023)

• Malaysia Penal Code, Section 89 (Good faith act for benefit of child)

• Child Act 2001, Act 611 (Malaysia) – Sections 17, 31(1) (Offenses of abuse, neglect)

• UNICEF Malaysia, “Protection from violence” (web article, n.d.); UNICEF Malaysia, “Enter the Parent Chat (Naungan Kasih)” (2024).

• Prime Minister’s Office – Bernama, “Children’s Commissioner appointed to Suhakam,” Jan 18, 2023

• CodeBlue “We Need a Dedicated 24-Hour Child Helpline – Dr Amar Singh & PH Wong,” Dec 2, 2024

• SUKA Society – About Us page, accessed

• End Violence Against Children (Global Initiative), “Corporal punishment country report – Malaysia,” 2023

• Additional references from the Malaysian Bar, SUHAKAM, and Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development press statements