The Silent Mental Load of Living Abroad

You’re not just parenting or working — you’re decoding everything. From language to laundry symbols. The invisible work of being always slightly confused.

By Luna Dawson | Lokal by Luna

No one really talks about the brain fog that comes with moving abroad.

Sure, people ask, “How’s Malaysia? You must love it!” And yes, I do love the food, the jungle, the people, and the fact that I can get a solid iced latte for RM8.

But what I don’t always say is: I’m tired. Not from parenting. Not from work. But from thinking all the damn time.

Welcome to the Expat Brain Load

Living abroad means that even the smallest things come with a hidden user manual. The street names are unfamiliar. The food labels are confusing. The parenting advice clashes with what you grew up with. The language? Oh, you're semi-functional in four now — and fluent in guessing.

Add kids into the mix and congratulations — you’ve just unlocked mental burnout on expert mode.

“Everything Feels Like a Pop Quiz”

"Even buying toothpaste is a whole event. I once spent 20 minutes in Guardian trying to Google which brand had fluoride and which one was secretly for gum disease I don’t even have."— Rachel, Canadian mum of two in Kuala Lumpur

Let’s break it down. Here’s what the average day might look like for an expat parent:

• You’re trying to decode the daycare app that sends updates only in Bahasa Malaysia (or Mandarin… or Manglish)

• You're not sure if that laundry symbol means “gentle wash” or “may spontaneously combust”

• Your child gets a fever, and the clinic says, “It’s just heatiness.” Which... isn’t a medical term back home. But here? Very legit.

• You have to register your car insurance, renew your visa, and check if the water filter guy is a scam or just really enthusiastic.

The Psychology Behind It

According to a 2021 study published in the International Journal of Intercultural Relations, expats often experience “cognitive overload” due to constant cross-cultural adjustment — especially during the first 1–3 years of living abroad.

And if you're a parent? The mental load of caregiving plus cultural decoding plus home management = chronic fatigue dressed in a floral kaftan and a high ponytail.

“It’s the Little Things That Break You”

"I got super frustrated over a parking ticket once. Not because of the fine, but because I couldn’t understand how to pay it. I just wanted to park. That’s all."— Greg, British dad of three in Kota Kinabalu

Helpful Tips (From Someone Who’s Been Confused Since 2018)

• Build a Cheat Sheet for Everything. I have a Google Doc titled “Things I Still Don’t Understand”. In it: visa renewal steps, what “slightly spicy” actually means, and the difference between red and blue parking coupons. Add to it shamelessly.

• Find One Local Friend You Can Ask Anything. Ideally someone kind, chill, and unbothered by weird questions like, “Is this Milo supposed to be crunchy?” or “How do I address my landlord without offending seven generations?”

• Join Hyper-Local Facebook Groups. Yes, they can be messy. But they’re goldmines for decoding the everyday. Where to buy Halloween costumes? What’s the real rule on condo renovations? Which chicken rice stall won’t destroy your digestive peace? Someone’s already asked.

• Outsource Your Mental Load When You Can. Get help for the things that drain you the most. Language tutor? Yes. Grocery delivery? Heck yes. Hire someone to do your taxes? HALLELUJAH.

• Laugh. A Lot. Your child will eventually call you “lah” instead of “Mum”. Just go with it.

And Finally: Be Kinder to Your Brain, Babe.

You’re not broken. You’re just doing triple the mental work. You’re raising kids, working a job (or three), running a house, and mentally translating the phrase "buka setiap hari kecuali Isnin."

The mental load is real. And it’s heavy. But it’s not permanent. Eventually, things click. You stop Googling everything. You start getting the humour. You say “can” without flinching. You stop noticing the geckos. You become fluent in local chaos.

And one day? You’ll help another newbie expat navigate their own mental load — and pass on the cheat sheet that saved you.

Still mentally exhausted? Check out our downloadable “Expat Sanity Guide” — a cheeky checklist of everyday things you’ll want to remember, forget, and laugh about while living in Malaysia.