Making Friends After 30 in a Foreign Country (Without Crying)

The awkward truth about expat cliques, WhatsApp trauma, and why you need to show up even when you feel like a third wheel with a baby carrier.

By Luna Dawson | Lokal by Luna

Let’s be honest: making friends in your 30s is hard enough. Add in a foreign country, a timezone mismatch with your old mates, and a child hanging off your leg like a koala on Red Bull — and suddenly, “making friends” feels about as realistic as finishing your coffee while it’s hot.

When I first moved to Penang, I thought I’d be a hit. I’m friendly, I bake banana bread, I’ve got a charming Aussie accent. Surely I’d be drowning in brunch invites within a week.

Plot twist: I was not.

What actually happened was this:

• I joined five expat WhatsApp groups. Muted them all within 48 hours.

• Went to a playgroup and hovered by the noticeboard like I was trying to blend into the wallpaper.

• Finally made a friend. She moved to Singapore three weeks later. Of course.

Then we moved to Sabah. Same me, different timezone. Still awkward at playgroups, still sweaty, still figuring it out. But something shifted — and I learned what I’m now passing on to you:

Step One: Lower Your Expectations. But Also… Just Show Up.

I know. We’re all tired. We’re all overstimulated. But unless you plan to raise your kids in an emotional vacuum, you need people.

Here’s the not-so-secret secret: Friendship in expat life is built by showing up, badly. You’ll feel awkward. You’ll overthink your texts. You’ll wonder if that café meetup was a real invite or just polite noise.

Still. Go. Show up. Linger. Talk. Pretend you meant to be five minutes early.

Because those accidental conversations? That’s where your village starts.

Where Do You Meet Friends as an Expat?

Let’s get practical. Based on my own experience (and the occasional panic message to my expat mum friends), here’s what actually works:

1. Your Kids’ School

If your children are school-aged and enrolled in an international school — that’s your goldmine. You’re already surrounded by other parents in the same boat. School pick-ups, events, birthday parties… all sneaky friend-making opportunities. Be brave and chat at the gate — or at least make eye contact and bond over forgotten water bottles.

2. No School-Age Kids Yet? Choose Where You Live Strategically

If you’ve got a baby or toddler, pick an apartment or housing area popular with expats. Why? Because odds are high you’ll bump into someone at the condo playground or swimming pool — and yes, most places in Malaysia come with both. It’s weirdly fancy. You may not have working water pressure, but you’ll have a pool with questionable tiles and a slide.

3. Or, Do What I Actually Recommend: Befriend the Locals

Here’s my personal take — and I mean this with my whole sambal-loving soul: Malaysians are cool. Really cool.They may not help you decode the IB curriculum, but they’ll:

• Speak great English

• Laugh at your awkward attempts at Bahasa

• Feed you without asking

• And offer genuine, lifelong friendship — minus the party politics or “sorry, we’re already full” expat vibes.

If you want community, kindness, and someone who knows how to order food like a local boss, Malaysians will show up for you. Sometimes with food. Sometimes with a car. Sometimes just to sit beside you while your baby screams. That’s friendship, mate.

And Yes… The Expat Clique is Real (But Not Evil)

Look, every city has its version of the polished, already-bonded group. They do yoga. They have a Book club. They know where to buy cheddar. Their kids wear linen. You might smile and get a nod — but then the conversation pivots to international school fees and Gina’s child’s gluten reaction, and you’re left stirring your latte like a ghost.

Here’s the thing: They’re not mean. They’re just full. You don’t have to break into a clique. You just need one or two good ones — and they’re out there. Maybe not in matching outfits. Maybe not with charcuterie boards. But real ones, who’ll help you hold a baby carrier while you fish out your car keys with your teeth.

Final Word from a Reformed Friendship-Flailer

Making friends abroad after 30 isn’t glamorous. It’s slow. It’s awkward. It’s filled with weird meet-cutes and ghosted coffee plans. But it does happen — and when it does, it’s magic.

And here’s what I’ve learned after making friends in both Penang and Sabah: It starts with one conversation. One shared laugh. One moment where someone sees you trying — and chooses to sit beside you.

So keep showing up. Keep smiling. Keep saying, “Hi, sorry, I’m new — are you a local or just really confident?”

And maybe — just maybe — I’ll see you at the next playgroup. I’ll be the one with the mismatched shoes and kopi stain on my top.

Need help finding your crew? Check out our “Where to Meet Other Parents” section — featuring expat-friendly cafés, classes, and condo corners where lifelong friendships begin over soggy snacks and sunblock.